Inglesi

Barzellette in lingua inglese.

A husband and wife were having dinner

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that??”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress”.
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours,”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim? ” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier!!” she replies.

Inglesi

Two married blokes are out drinking

Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage……… I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says “AND WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?”………………….
His mate looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s bum and say, “How about a blow job??”….and she’s always sound asleep.”

Inglesi

A mother had three daughters

A mother had three daughters and, on each daughter’s wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a “code” to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ” MAXWEEL COFFEE HOUSE”.
Mother got the newspaper and checked the maxwellcoffee house advertisement, and it says: “Satisfaction to the last drop…” so, mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: “ROTHMAN`S MATTRESSES”.
So, the mother looks at the Rothman`s Mattresses ad, and it says: “FULL SIZE, KING SIZE”. And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious.
After four weeks came the message: “SAUDI AIRLINES”.
And mother looks in to the Saudia airlines ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad reads:” THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.”

Inglesi

Dinner Conversation Went Wrong

Wife: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
Husband: “Definitely not!”
Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
Husband: “Of course I do.”
Wife: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
Husband: “okay, … I’d get married again.”
Wife: “You would???” (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes an audible groan)
Wife: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
Husband: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, …she’s left-handed.”
Wife: (silence)
Husband: “Oh…Shit.”

Inglesi

Famous Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus…
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky virus…
Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Titanic virus…
Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus…
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus…
Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus…
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Lorena Bobbit virus…
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Woody Allen virus…
By-passes the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Spice Girl virus…
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Dr. Kevorkian virus…
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus…
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T virus…
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus…
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Viagra virus…
Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

Then there is the Clinton PC Virus…
It has a six inch hard drive and no memory

Inglesi