When I moved into my new house one of my neighbours came round and asked if I wanted to sign up for the Neighbourhood Watch.
Obviously I refused, given my wife had only just bought me one for my birthday and I could look at it any time I wanted to.
‘How’s the flat you’re living in in London, Jock?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
”It’s okay,” he replies, ”but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.”
”Never you mind,” says his mother, ”don’t you let them get to you, just ignore them.”
”Aye, that I do,” he says, ”I just keep playing my bagpipes.”