Cartello in uno zoo di Budapest: Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. (Si prega di non dare da mangiare agli animali. Se avete cibo idoneo, datelo alla guardia in servizio).
Cartello in un hotel di Tokio: In case of earthquake, use the torch to pass yourself out. (In caso di terremoto, utilizzare la torcia elettrica per passare a miglior vita)
Totti sta sostenendo l’esame d’inglese del CEPU. Il professore: “Mi traduca questa frase: “CHE DIO T’ASSISTA!”. Totti senza pensarci risponde: “WHAT GOD TAXIDRIVER!”.
“Where do you live?”
“No, grazie, ho già mangiato!”
“Where do you live?”
“Ma come sono ‘ste olive? All’ascolana?”
(Trio La Ricotta, Zelig)
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
“The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure…”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure …”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9-1/2… E.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure…”
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see… 7-5/8.”
Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure…”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years.” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?”
“Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that??”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress”.
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours,”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim? ” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier!!” she replies.
Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage……… I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says “AND WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?”………………….
His mate looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s bum and say, “How about a blow job??”….and she’s always sound asleep.”
A mother had three daughters and, on each daughter’s wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a “code” to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ” MAXWEEL COFFEE HOUSE”.
Mother got the newspaper and checked the maxwellcoffee house advertisement, and it says: “Satisfaction to the last drop…” so, mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: “ROTHMAN`S MATTRESSES”.
So, the mother looks at the Rothman`s Mattresses ad, and it says: “FULL SIZE, KING SIZE”. And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious.
After four weeks came the message: “SAUDI AIRLINES”.
And mother looks in to the Saudia airlines ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad reads:” THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.”